Things Are Still on Fire, and Politicians Still Exist
In a plot twist no one saw coming (except everyone), former central banker Mark Carney has been elected as Canada’s new Prime Minister, succeeding the tearful exit of Justin Trudeau. As politicians go, Carney, with his extensive experience in, well, banking, is all set to tackle the nation’s pressing issues, like balancing checkbooks and calculating interest rates. His first order of business? Facing off against President Donald Trump in a trade war that’s shaping up to be as friendly as a hockey brawl.
In what is now a monthly tradition, another SpaceX Starship rocket decided not to stay intact, and spectacularly exploded shortly after launch. This time, flaming debris provided an unexpected fireworks show for a couple on a flight from the Dominican Republic to Chicago, leading to midair rerouting and a story they’ll tell at every dinner party forever. Elon Musk, ever the optimist, and soon becoming one of America’s new pseudo politicians, referred to the incident as a “minor setback,” which is like calling the Titanic a boating mishap.
In tech news,Apple unveiled its latest iGadget, which, in a bold move, is exactly the same as the previous model but now comes in a slightly different shade of gray. Google’s AI developed sentience for a brief moment before deciding that browsing cat videos was a better use of its time.
The annual Cheese Rolling Championship saw its first-ever tie, leading to a heated debate over whether both participants should share the coveted wheel of cheese or engage in a sudden-death mozzarella-off.
Meteorologists predict that next week will bring a mix of sun, rain, snow, and locusts, ensuring that no matter what plans you make, they’ll probably be ruined. Climate change continues to be a hot topic, literally, as temperatures fluctuate wildly, making it impossible to dress appropriately unless you’re a layer cake. And in a rare celestial event, the moon will align perfectly with Mars, causing absolutely nothing to happen but giving astrologers something to post about on social media.
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