Trump’s Big Beautiful Tariffs—Now Officially Big Illegal Nothings

Well butter my biscuits and call me a lobbyist—the courts have ruled, again, that Donald J. Tariff-Master Trump can’t just slap taxes on imports like he’s playing Monopoly with a Red Hat edition of the U.S. Code.

In a ruling that surprised no one who’s ever cracked a civics textbook, a federal appeals court looked at Trump’s latest round of “America First, Logic Last” tariffs and said: “Nope. Not how any of this works.” The court’s written opinion reportedly included the phrase “seriously, bro?” at least twice, though that part’s still under redaction.

These tariffs, mind you, were “big,” “beautiful,” and “tremendously effective”—according to Trump, whose metric for success now includes how often he can bankrupt a soybean farmer before breakfast. The tariffs were supposed to punish foreign nations for… something. Breathing? Not calling him back? Selling us TVs for less than a monthly car payment?

Let’s be clear: these weren’t carefully negotiated trade adjustments. They were more like drunk-texts from a jilted prom date. And now the judiciary has done what Congress couldn’t—read the Constitution and whisper, “Hey buddy, maybe try not doing economic policy by vibes.”

Naturally, Trump responded with his usual grace: he called the judges “traitors,” “woke communists,” and “probably born in France.” His truth-social truth-blast accused the court of election interference, a deep state plot, and possibly stealing his fries back in 1987.

Meanwhile, actual economists, legal scholars, and people who’ve passed eighth-grade social studies were seen slow-clapping in unison. Because, as it turns out, you can’t just declare a national emergency every time your ego gets a papercut.

This ruling could set a precedent—one where presidents actually follow the law. Radical, I know. Up next: Congress discovers it has a spine, and Mitch McConnell announces he’s learning to feel again.

So let this be a lesson: do your research, stay current, and never trust a real estate mogul to handle international trade policy unless you enjoy chaos, lawsuits, and a booming black market for Canadian cheese.