Russia Released Mark Vodel—Here’s What We Might Have Given Up

Mark Vodel is back on American soil and all Americans should be happy about that. And according to Donald Trump, his release came through a “very fair exchange.” That’s what he said—very fair. Which, of course, means we should all be concerned.

The White House, for its part, has refused to disclose what, exactly, was given up to bring Vodel home. No details. No hints. Just a quiet, move along, nothing to see here kind of vibe.

Now, when a government refuses to explain itself, it usually means one of two things: Either the deal was incredibly delicate and involved high-level diplomacy best left undisclosed…

Or—far more likely—it was so ridiculous that saying it out loud would cause immediate international embarrassment.

So, in the spirit of transparency, let’s examine what we might have given up. Because if history has taught us anything, it’s that absurdity is always an option.

Perhaps the U.S. handed over access to our elevator technology, ensuring that Russian citizens would no longer have to leap from their apartment windows just to reach the street. No longer would YouTube be flooded with grainy security footage of yet another Muscovite deciding that parachutes are for the weak. With just the press of a button, they, too, could experience the magic of descending vertically in an enclosed space. A game-changer for sure.

Or maybe—just maybe—we gave them a cargo ship filled with Olive Garden breadsticks. Not just a few, not a truckload, but an entire floating armada of soft, buttery diplomatic leverage. Some say unlimited breadsticks are a myth, but that’s only because they’ve never seen a Kremlin banquet table stacked high with American carbohydrate supremacy.

Or—brace yourself—perhaps we finally handed over Rudy Giuliani’s last remaining law license. It’s been dangling by a thread for years, and now, at long last, it belongs to Russia. What will they do with it? Frame it? Burn it for warmth? Use it as toilet paper? The possibilities are endless.

Some have even suggested we went full throttle and authorized Trump Tower Moscow—the long-lusted-after dream project that was always just out of reach. The only question now is whether it comes with a complimentary gold-plated escalator and a suite reserved for whichever oligarch needs a place to hide next.

And finally, for those who think none of this is possible, that a trade of this nature would have to be more serious, let’s remember one thing: We’ve done this before. We once traded an international arms dealer for a WNBA player. We once swapped Cold War spies like kids trading baseball cards.

So, until the White House comes clean, we have no choice but to assume the absolute worst. And by worst, I mean: We might have just gifted Russia Disney’s FastPass system.

Mark Vodel, welcome home.  Whatever it was,  we know you were worth it.