Trump Declares High-Speed Internet Racist: A New Low in Digital Delusion

Just when you thought we’d plumbed the last inch of the dumbwell, Trump took out his golden shovel and kept digging. Today, he declared high-speed internet “racist” and “unconstitutional.” Yes. The thing that lets your grandkid Zoom their homework and lets rural hospitals transmit medical scans before someone dies waiting? That’s apparently the new face of tyranny.

According to the Donald, the Digital Equity Act—a perfectly boring Biden initiative designed to get broadband into places where cows outnumber humans and the dial-up modem still whines like a banshee—is an affront to America’s sacred traditions. Apparently, giving poor people access to 21st-century infrastructure is a bridge too far. (Can’t have the riffraff streaming PBS.)

It’s almost cute—until you remember that this man was literally president.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t about the Constitution, or racism, or whatever buzzword was floating in the Fox News chyron when Trump decided to say this out loud. This is about weaponizing idiocy for political gain. Again.

Trump didn’t used to have a problem with broadband. In fact, back in 2018, he was all for it. He stood at a podium, slapped his name on a rural internet initiative, and grinned like a man who just discovered what email was. But now? Broadband is a woke conspiracy. Why? Because it helps people who aren’t already rich. Or white. Or wearing red hats with embroidered delusions.

Never mind that rural Trump counties stand to benefit most from these broadband programs. Nope. Better to let your voters suffer in digital darkness than admit Biden did something halfway useful. That’s the new GOP slogan: “If we can’t have it, break it.”

This latest outburst is the policy equivalent of yelling at a microwave. It’s not just wrong—it’s laughably out of touch. But it works, because nothing gets clicks like righteous ignorance wrapped in a tantrum.

Meanwhile, the rest of us—those still clinging to reality with our trembling arthritic fingers—are left screaming into our modems. (Assuming we even have a signal.)

Let’s call it what it is: Trump is just mad that his cult can’t stream Truth Social on dial-up. Maybe broadband is dangerous… because once people have real information, they might start asking questions. Dangerous questions. Like: Why is a former president beefing with the internet like it owes him money?

Trump doesn’t hate broadband. He hates fairness. He hates when systems stop rewarding only the wealthy. And he really, really hates when things work without him.

So next time you hear someone say broadband is un-American, remember: it’s only un-American if it doesn’t make Trump richer or angrier. Everything else is just lag.