Next Week’s News – Smoldering Wreckage of This Week’s News
Well, folks, it’s been a hell of a week. Again. Let’s check in on the what used to be called competent governance and see how the last seven days have treated us.
CIA Email Scandal: Who Needs Spies When You Have Gmail?
Turns out, sending a list of CIA personnel over an unsecured email wasn’t just a minor oopsie—it was a full-blown catastrophe. By now, several high-ranking operatives have mysteriously resigned, while others have taken extended “vacations” to undisclosed locations. Meanwhile, at least one intelligence asset in Eastern Europe has vanished entirely, though the White House insists that’s “totally unrelated” and that the real issue is the media’s “obsession with national security.”
To reassure the public, Trump’s press secretary stated, “Look, it’s not like we emailed the nuclear codes.” Which, frankly, isn’t as comforting as they think it is.
Coast Guard Crisis: Who’s Steering the Ship?
Remember when the administration tossed the head of the Coast Guard out of her house with three hours’ notice? Well, as of today, that brilliant move has snowballed into a full-blown recruitment crisis. Morale in the service has plummeted, senior officers are reportedly looking for early retirement, and—this is fun—the admiral’s eviction notice turned out to be illegal. Oops.
So, what now? The White House, never one to backtrack, has doubled down and suggested that maybe the Coast Guard should be privatized anyway. Expect a new “freedom-based” model where hurricane rescues come with a Venmo request.
Elon Musk and the Treasury: That Was Fast
Well, folks, that didn’t take long. Despite promises that Elon Musk was only getting “read-only” access to Treasury systems, someone (definitely not Musk, we’re told) managed to “accidentally” route several billion dollars in federal funds through SpaceX servers. By the time regulators caught on, Tesla’s stock price had skyrocketed, and rumors swirled that the IRS would soon be renamed “X-Tax.”
Congress has called for an investigation, which the White House has dismissed as “a bunch of nerds whining.” Treasury Secretary (and former MAGA podcast host) Kash Patel assured the public, “Elon’s a smart guy. He wouldn’t steal from the government. He just, you know, moves money in exciting new ways.”
USAID is Gone – and So is Half Our Diplomatic Influence
International aid agencies are still reeling from the abrupt shutdown of USAID, and the fallout has been nothing short of disastrous. Several long-term food and medical aid programs have collapsed overnight, leading to destabilization in multiple regions.
The administration’s response? “Not our problem.” Officials insist that foreign nations should “figure it out” on their own, while Trump himself suggested that the UN could “just do more bake sales or whatever.” Meanwhile, China has eagerly stepped into the vacuum, offering billions in new infrastructure and aid deals to countries that—until last week—looked to the U.S. for support.
So, for those keeping score: America is less respected, more isolated, and rapidly being replaced on the world stage. But at least we saved a few bucks, right?
Guantánamo’s Population Boom
Seven days in, the expanded migrant detention facility at Guantánamo Bay is already a logistical and legal nightmare. The “temporary” housing for detained immigrants is full, medical resources are strained, and lawsuits are piling up. Shocking exactly no one, footage has already leaked showing the horrific conditions inside the camps—though administration officials insist the media is just “using bad camera angles.”
The international community is livid, with multiple human rights groups calling for an emergency UN session. The White House, meanwhile, is said to be considering “outsourcing” the detention program to private contractors. If that goes through, expect Blackwater to rebrand as Freedom Camps LLC any day now.
Gaza “Resettlement” – Oh, So It Was Ethnic Cleansing
And finally, in the Least Shocking but Most Horrifying news category: the administration’s plan to “relocate” the entire population of Gaza has hit a few minor snags—like international condemnation, mass protests, and threats of economic sanctions from, well, everybody.
Israeli officials, previously cautious about Trump’s erratic foreign policy, have now openly distanced themselves from the plan, calling it “reckless and destabilizing.” Meanwhile, Arab nations are discussing trade restrictions against the U.S., and protests have erupted across Europe.
And what does the administration say? That it’s all fake news. That nobody understands “the art of the deal.” And that Gaza’s residents should be grateful for the chance to “start fresh somewhere else.” Oh, and if you’re wondering where exactly they’d be relocated to, don’t bother—the White House hasn’t thought that far ahead.
Final Thoughts: What Have We Learned?
So here we are, just one week later, standing in the dung heap of another round of half-baked policies and power-hungry blunders. National security is in shambles, military leadership is treated like Uber drivers, Musk is siphoning off public funds like it’s a startup pivot, and America’s foreign policy is now a mix of screw ‘em and sell it off.
At this rate, by next week, we’ll be asking how much it costs to bribe a border guard just to leave the country.
