God Quits, Says Pope, Heading to Mars

Well, folks, it finally happened. After millennia of patience, divine interventions both subtle and unsubtle, and more unanswered prayers than a Vegas blackjack table, God has officially thrown in the towel. According to a text received by the Pope—yes, a text, because even the Supreme Being knows Vatican bureaucracy is a nightmare—God is packing up and heading to Mars.

Why? Because He’s seen enough. The big guy apparently took one look at Earth’s reaction to Trump 2.0 and decided, “Nope, that’s it. These people don’t learn.” And can you blame Him? After all, He gave humanity free will, and what did we do with it? We double-downed on disaster. We saw the train speeding toward the cliff and thought, Let’s give the conductor a second term!

So, God’s out. He figures Mars is the last chance to do something meaningful before Elon Musk turns it into a libertarian hellscape of indentured servitude and overpriced oxygen. You can’t fault His reasoning. Why waste miracles on a planet where half the people think climate change is a hoax, the other half are too exhausted to fight about it, and the middle class is just praying their rent doesn’t go up again?

The Vatican, of course, is in crisis mode. The Pope reportedly tried calling back, but divine calls don’t go to voicemail, and you can’t just slide into God’s DMs. Meanwhile, televangelists are scrambling to spin this. Expect a Fox News segment any day now about how God isn’t really quitting—He’s just “working remotely.”

But the truth is clear: God has seen enough of our nonsense. God tried floods. He tried commandments. He even tried letting us work things out on our own. And we still managed to bring back fascism like it was some sort of retro fashion trend. So now, He’s taking His omnipotence elsewhere.

The question is, what do we do now? Without divine oversight, who’s going to step in? AI? Jeff Bezos? A TikTok influencer?

We might want to figure that out. Because if God thinks Mars is a better bet than us, we should be very, very worried. Apparrently as he left Earth, he stopped by Marilago to take back a few hundred unsold Trump Bibles. Speeding west for an old fashiion Texas exit with a few select saints and sinners onboard, God apparently flew very close to a SpaceX Starship waiting on the launchpad, knocking it over. “Oops,” God texted to Pope Francis.

Be sure to check the Krotchett Podcast on your favorite provider here or over at YouTube!