Trump Fires Nuclear Watchdogs, Courts Face Eviction, Satire Becomes Real
Trump Administration’s Nuclear Hide-and-Seek
(Krotchett.com) In an administrative blunder so large it could be measured in megatons, Trump’s team “accidentally” fired over 300 employees responsible for protecting our nuclear arsenal. Apparently, during yet another late-night Twitter tantrum, Trump mistook a critical National Nuclear Security Administration (NNSA) staff list for a “Deep State Enemies” spreadsheet and ordered mass terminations.
The White House later clarified that the employees were let go in a “cost-cutting efficiency measure.” Unfortunately, no one seems to know where several key nuclear weapons are located because, as it turns out, the people in charge of tracking them were among those fired. Oops! The Pentagon insists everything is fine—if by “fine,” they mean the U.S. has no idea where several warheads might be at this moment. Maybe they’ll turn up in an unclaimed baggage auction.
Meanwhile, the newly appointed replacements, reportedly handpicked from Truth Social’s most active users, have vowed to “do their own research” on nuclear security. One, a former cryptocurrency influencer, reassured the public that “nukes are just big bombs, bro,” while another stated they were “pretty sure” they had seen one of the missing warheads in a Call of Duty game.
Team MAGA’s Bold Plan to Evict the Judiciary
In their ongoing quest to perfect the American dictatorship, Team MAGA is now working to evict federal judges by canceling leases on judicial offices. The official reasoning? “Government waste.” The real reason? Judges keep blocking Trump’s policies, and it’s hard to rule by fiat when some robe-wearing buzzkills insist on enforcing laws.
If successful, hundreds of federal judges will be left without offices. The administration’s solution? “They can work from home,” said a senior MAGA strategist, presumably while wearing a “Let’s Go Brandon” tank top. Critics argue that evicting judges is just the latest attempt to undermine checks and balances, while Trump loyalists praise it as “draining the swamp.” After all, who needs an independent judiciary when you can just make up laws on Truth Social?
MAGA’s Compassionate Conservatism: Helene Victims Edition
Remember when hurricanes were just natural disasters? Not under Trump 2.0! Now, they’re socialist welfare scams, designed to trick the government into handing out “free stuff.” That’s why Team MAGA, with the full backing of budget guru Elon Musk, has decided to withhold aid from victims of Hurricane Helene.
MAGA officials insist the victims should “bootstrap their way to recovery,” and Musk, now a key government advisor, has suggested launching an NFT fundraiser instead. “Imagine owning a digital asset commemorating your house being underwater,” he tweeted. “Very exclusive. Very rare.”
Meanwhile, survivors are left wondering why taxpayer dollars are being spent on military parades while their homes remain in ruins. FEMA was last seen hosting a “thoughts and prayers” livestream.
The DOGE Squad’s Quest for Transparency
Nothing says “government accountability” like three MAGA supporters in DOGE t-shirts storming San Francisco City Hall and demanding full access to financial records. According to them, “the Deep State is hiding TRILLIONS,” and apparently, all you need to unlock the secrets of the U.S. Treasury is a Walmart-bought red hat.
Officials were reportedly confused when the trio, armed with selfie sticks and livestreaming on Rumble, demanded a printout of “all the money stuff.” When asked to clarify, one replied, “Like, where’s the gold? I saw a meme that says we have none.”
When denied access, they called it “a violation of free speech” before storming out to film a rant in the parking lot. Their video, titled “Biden HIDING MONEY in SECRET SAFE,” currently has 1.2 million views on Truth Social.
Redefining Free Speech: Nazi Flags In, Pride Flags Out
A MAGA lawmaker in Utah has introduced a bill allowing Nazi and Confederate flags in schools while banning Pride flags. According to Representative Lefty McFreedom (R-UT), “heritage matters.” But apparently, only certain types of heritage.
The bill, titled “The Real America Act,” argues that Nazi and Confederate flags are “historically significant,” whereas Pride flags are “political statements.” Teachers have expressed concerns, but MAGA supporters insist that “kids need to learn real history.” That history, apparently, does not include LGBTQ+ contributions, but it does feature Confederate generals getting participation trophies.
As for students, they’re reportedly confused. “So I can’t wear a rainbow pin, but I can wear a swastika?” asked one sophomore. “Yep,” replied the bill’s sponsor. “That’s freedom, kid.”
