Former USDA Official Trades Home for Eggs
(Krotchett) In a story emblematic of the economic turbulence plaguing the country, a former USDA employee, recently laid off during a round of federal budget cuts, made headlines this week for trading his suburban home in exchange for what he called a “strategic reserve” of eggs.
The man, who asked to be identified only as “Bill,” finalized the barter agreement with a local poultry farmer late last month. The deal secured him 2,000 dozen eggs—enough, he claims, to sustain himself for the foreseeable future. “I’m just doing what the USDA taught me,” Bill explained. “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. They said that in all the pamphlets.”
The egg supply, stored in a makeshift refrigeration unit powered by a generator he salvaged from his neighbor’s yard sale, will reportedly be repurposed in creative ways. “Eggs are versatile,” he said. “Breakfast, baking, protein shakes, even trade currency if it comes to that.” As for his living arrangements, Bill plans to rebuild using the egg cartons—an endeavor he’s already dubbed “The Coop de Grâce.”
Economic analysts have noted that the skyrocketing cost of eggs, which began its sharp ascent during the Trump administration’s tariff wars, has only worsened due to inflation and recent avian flu outbreaks. The average cost of a dozen eggs is now higher than a gallon of gasoline, sparking what some have termed an “eggonomic crisis.”
Critics, however, were quick to question the practicality of Bill’s decision. “It’s not sustainable,” one economist noted. “Eggs are perishable. And homes, typically, are not.” But Bill remains undeterred. “Perishability is relative,” he retorted. “Eggs go bad after a while, sure. But have you seen the housing market? A mortgage is basically financial salmonella.”
When pressed on whether he regretted the trade, Bill shrugged. “People told me I was crazy, but these are the same people paying $25 for an omelet in a diner. Besides, the USDA always told us to think outside the shell.”
Meanwhile, local zoning authorities have expressed concerns about the structural integrity of Bill’s planned egg-carton dwelling. “It’s not exactly up to code,” one official remarked dryly. Bill, however, is optimistic. “If it holds a dozen eggs, it can hold a man. That’s just physics.”
In a parting comment, Bill expressed his hope that his story would inspire others. “The USDA may have let me go, but the principles they taught me will never expire. Well, unless they’re printed on eggs.”
