Letters of the Week No. 1

Letter:
Dear Krotchett,
What do you think about Elon Musk’s latest project to implant chips in our brains? Should I get in line or keep my tin foil hat on?
— Sincerely, Wired and Worried

Krotchett’s Reply:
Dear Wired,
If you’re willing to hand over your thoughts to the same guy who can’t make Twitter work properly, by all means, queue up. Personally, I’m waiting for the day he turns his own brain chip into a Tesla autopilot. Now that will be a spectacle worth streaming—assuming his satellites don’t glitch.

Letter:
Dear Krotchett,
I’m thinking of donating to a political campaign. Any advice?
— Sincerely, Generous and Confused

Krotchett’s Reply:
Dear Generous,
Here’s my advice: set your money on fire instead. At least you’ll get some warmth and light out of it. Political donations are like tipping the bartender at a dry bar—it’s an exercise in misplaced optimism.

Letter:
Dear Krotchett,
Do you think celebrities should stay out of politics?
— Best, Starstruck and Cynical

Krotchett’s Reply:
Dear Starstruck,
No, I think they should stay in politics—if only to remind us what happens when unqualified narcissists take the stage. Nothing inspires democracy quite like watching someone who can’t name three branches of government lecture us on policy reform.

Letter:
Dear Krotchett,
What do you think of climate activists throwing soup at famous paintings?
— Regards, Eco-Anxious

Krotchett’s Reply:
Dear Anxious,
Throwing soup at art to save the planet is like smashing your TV to fix the cable. It’s bold, pointless, and only entertains the people who weren’t paying attention in the first place. They’d be more effective if they threw soup at oil executives.

Letter:
Dear Krotchett,
Everyone at my job is talking about “quiet quitting.” Is it the new way to succeed?
— Best, Office Drone

Krotchett’s Reply:
Dear Drone,
Quiet quitting isn’t new; it’s just slacking off with a hashtag. If you really want to succeed, try loud quitting. Stand on your desk, yell, “I’m out!” and walk off with the office Keurig. That’s the kind of exit they’ll never forget.