Buying Back America: The Commitee to Bribe the President

Fellow citizens, global allies, and anyone within Wi-Fi range of this urgent plea, it’s time we face the facts. Our current predicament—wherein a self-absorbed, entirely transactional former game show host continues to manhandle democracy like a second-rate reality TV contract—requires a fresh approach. Since appeals to morality, patriotism, and even basic literacy have failed, we must accept the obvious: this president operates solely on quid pro quo. If he won’t act without personal gain, perhaps we should start treating the American presidency like the for-sale commodity he clearly believes it is. Enter our noble endeavor: The Committee to Bribe the President.

This is not a joke. This is not satire. This is a practical, strategic effort to resolve a national crisis using the only language the man in question understands: a financial transaction. Since he treats the presidency as an ATM, why not make a withdrawal on our terms? We will raise the necessary funds through worldwide contributions, leveraging the collective frustration of over half the country and three-quarters of the globe. Once we have amassed an offer too tantalizing to refuse, we will make him a deal: take the money and follow the Constitution, or take even more money and get the hell out.

We know what motivates him. Cold, hard cash is a given, but that alone may not be enough. Our bribe package will be tailored to his deepest, most primal urges. A lifetime supply of McDonald’s fries, a fake Nobel Prize inscribed with ‘Best President Ever,’ a curated team of Russian women trained in the art of flattery, and a series of ‘perfect phone calls’ scripted to ensure he is endlessly praised. If it takes building a private Mar-a-Lago in Moscow, so be it.

Once our Committee to Bribe the President reaches its financial goal, we will present the offer publicly, in a format he cannot ignore. Preferably on a cable news network he still respects or even better maybe on Real Time with Bill Maher, a show which we know he watches.. He will be faced with a choice: accept and become the world’s most well-compensated exile, or reject and expose himself as a man whose greed has limits—a reality we sincerely doubt.

We are calling on volunteers. If you have experience in fundraising, political operations, or merely an intense desire to see America return to a functioning democracy, we need you. The Committee to Bribe the President is officially open for business. It’s time to put our money where his mouth is.

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