Krotchett Rant: Trump’s February Fraud Fest

February, the month when love is in the air—unless, of course, you’re allergic to blatant falsehoods, in which case, you spent the last four weeks gasping for truth like a fish flopping on the deck of the S.S. Gaslight. Once again, our favorite political escape artist, Donald J. Trump, and his newly anointed sidekick, Elon Musk, have outdone themselves in the fine art of making things up. Let’s dive in, shall we?

First up, the dynamic duo decided USAID was a ‘criminal organization’ funneling funds to ‘far-left groups,’ according to Elon Musk. Now, if by ‘far-left groups,’ he meant organizations trying to provide food, clean water, and vaccines to impoverished nations, then sure, Elon, totally criminal. Maybe next, we can investigate UNICEF for ‘corruption’ because they give kids pencils.

Not to be outdone in the art of sheer lunacy, the administration claimed that migrants sent to Guantánamo Bay were ‘dangerous criminals.’ Turns out, most were asylum seekers simply looking for safety. But hey, when your policy decisions are based on reruns of ‘24’ rather than actual data, this is what you get.

And then there’s the pièce de résistance: Trump, in his infinite wisdom, posted a Napoleon Bonaparte quote—‘He who saves his country does not violate any law’—because nothing says ‘democracy’ quite like implying you’re above the law. Let’s just hope he doesn’t get any bright ideas from Mussolini next.

Oh, and did you hear about the Gulf of Mexico? No? That’s because it no longer exists—at least not according to Trump, who proudly announced its new name: the ‘Gulf of America.’ It’s unclear whether he plans to invade the waters and build a wall to keep out fish that ‘don’t belong here.’

Meanwhile, over at FEMA, Musk made the shocking claim that disaster relief funds were being used to house migrants in ‘luxury hotels.’ Turns out, the ‘luxury’ was a Red Roof Inn off I-95, but sure, Elon, go off.

Then there’s the phantom $50 million condom budget for Gaza—yes, you read that right. Musk confidently announced that the U.S. was sending an army of contraceptives overseas, only to sheepishly backtrack when it turned out to be, well, completely untrue. You almost have to admire the creativity. Almost.

And speaking of things that don’t exist, Musk also hinted that the gold reserves at Fort Knox might not be real, demanding an audit. One can only assume he wanted to check it himself, probably while live-tweeting conspiracy theories from inside a vault.

Then there’s the administration’s long war against Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) programs, which they’ve deemed ‘illegal and immoral.’ Apparently, treating employees fairly is now a radical leftist conspiracy. Someone should tell HR.

Finally, in a desperate attempt to convince us that government spending is out of control, Trump accused federal agencies of wasting money on media subscriptions. Because how dare bureaucrats stay informed! Next up: banning reading altogether.

So there you have it: another month, another avalanche of nonsense, brought to you by the fine folks at the Trump Administration, Inc. If February was this eventful, just imagine what March will bring. I, for one, am bracing myself for the moment when Trump claims he personally invented oxygen and Musk announces a plan to sell it on X. Stay tuned, folks—it’s only getting dumber from here.