Krotchett Rant: The Art of Renaming Things That Aren’t Broken

(Krotchett.com) The poetic brush of a man who sees greatness not in what is, but in what could be if only it bore his particular stamp. Yes, Donald Trump, newly re-elected President of the good ol USA, and the self-proclaimed maestro of branding, has reportedly expressed his yearning to rechristen Alaska’s Denali back to its colonial name, Mount McKinley. Because nothing screams progress quite like erasing the name rooted in indigenous culture and history to honor a president who, amiable as he was, never set foot in Alaska.

And now, the Gulf of Mexico! That vast, salt-kissed body of water teeming with life and history? Not good enough. Trump proposes we slap on a new moniker: the Gulf of America. It’s subtle, understated—like naming a five-year-old’s goldfish King Neptune, Lord of All Oceans.

You see, in Trump’s world, renaming is a sacred art. Why preserve the names that carry the stories of the people who lived on this land long before state lines and golf courses? No, no. Better to project one’s personal worldview upon the map, like a billionaire’s version of finger-painting over a Rembrandt.

But here’s the kicker, friends: since Trump feels entitled to overwrite Native American heritage with a flick of his Sharpie, perhaps it’s only fair that Native Americans return the favor. Maybe they could find something about Trump to name in their languages, something truly reflective of his essence.

The challenge, of course, is that many indigenous tongues lack the vocabulary for…shall we say…certain anatomical peculiarities resembling a tiny mushroom in recent courtroom statements. But why let that stop us? In the spirit of collaboration, might I suggest borrowing the French phrase that might fit the bill? After all, the French have always had a flair for the descriptive. Thus, behold the future name of Trump Tower: Tour du champignon rétrécissant, which in case you don’t speak French, translates to the tower of the shrinking mushroom.

Now, isn’t that fitting? A towering symbol of power, renamed to commemorate a…let’s call it smaller-scale but reportedly more accurate description of what blind ambition can look like. It’s poetic justice in three languages. Now if that doesn’t inspire a man to rethink his renaming crusade, I don’t know what will.