Dirt Nap 2.0: The Future of Funerals

What a relief it is to discover that we no longer have to choose between being embalmed or getting cremated. Sure, a few folks flirted with the green burial idea back in the day—no embalming, just a cardboard casket, etc.—but the problem was that most green burial locations were still within the confines of those 19th-century cemeteries, situated in some back corner, with a concrete bench and a maple tree; definately not dirt nap 2.0.

Embalming—talk about getting the life sucked out of you. Sewing up your jaw, putting plastic caps on your eye sockets, vacuuming out your abdomen, and stuffing cotton in every leakable orifice before they replace your blood with a formaldehyde cocktail. When you think about it, the idea might create more anxiety than going to the dentist. What’s worse than going to the dentist? Maybe worrying about your next colonoscopy! In the afterlife, a colonoscopy might equate to being cremated.

So now, along comes recomposing. Back in the early 2020s, Sweden was launching a freeze-dried version where your body would be flash-frozen and then pulverized into dust, but it wasn’t quite legal anywhere else. Fast forward to today, and natural organic reduction (NOR), or human composting, has become a viable option in several U.S. states. Washington State led the way, legalizing the process in 2019, with companies like Recompose offering services to transform human remains into nutrient-rich soil.

Since then, states like Colorado, Oregon, Vermont, California, New York, and Nevada have followed suit, legalizing human composting as an eco-friendly alternative to traditional burial methods.

Here’s the updated dirt nap recipe: Take some bacteria, a few soil-friendly creepy-crawlers, a pitch or two of soil, and add one former person. Place in a specialized vessel for about 30 days at a temperature of a balmy 131 degrees Fahrenheit. Then, transfer to a curing bin and wait for a few more weeks. Voila! In under a couple of months, you’ve gone from post-has-been curmudgeon to a nourishing batch of soil that would make any gardener green with envy.

This way, your friends and relatives can grow some blueberries, strawberries, or maybe even an apple tree. Imagine, instead of being embalmed, preserved, and put on display for a few days, you can actually be preserves!

Be sure to check the Krotchett Podcast on your favorite provide here or over at YouTube!!