Hollywood Shuts Down, Says Reality Is More Absurd and Entertaining

Los Angeles, CA – In an unprecedented move, Hollywood studios announced a complete industry shutdown today, citing their inability to compete with the sheer absurdity of reality.

“We surrender,” said Warner Bros. executive Sandra Helms in a press conference outside a shuttered studio lot. “We thought we could outdo fiction. But after last night’s Trump speech, the Elon Musk-induced diplomatic crisis, and whatever we’re calling the latest tariff roulette, it’s clear: we’re amateurs.”

The speech in question, delivered by President Donald Trump from a golden lectern in Mar-a-Lago (now officially designated as the “Winter White House”), set the tone for America’s latest installment of Fever Dream: The Presidency Years. In a rambling 90-minute address, Trump claimed he had “personally invented” tariffs and called them “the best thing to ever happen to America, until they weren’t, and then they were again.” He then congratulated himself on repealing his own tariffs, only to hint at reinstating them if it got a standing ovation. MAGA faithful, conditioned to cheer no matter what, did so enthusiastically.

Meanwhile, Elon Musk—who has been alternating between dismantling critical infrastructure and launching NFTs of ancient ruins—accidentally (or purposefully, it’s hard to tell anymore) tampered with U.S. military satellite operations in Ukraine. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, visibly exhausted, pleaded for global stability, asking, “Is there not a single adult left in the room?” Musk responded via X (formerly Twitter, now just a post-apocalyptic message board for conspiracy theorists) with “lol u mad bro?” and a meme of a Tesla Cybertruck photoshopped into Saving Private Ryan.

“If I pitched that scene in a script, I’d be laughed out of the room,” said screenwriter Mark Feldman, formerly of HBO’s Succession. “But now, it’s just… the news?”

Adding to Hollywood’s existential crisis, reports from Washington confirmed that President Trump has reversed, then reinstated, then reversed again a set of executive orders concerning tariffs, environmental regulations, and the number of McDonald’s Diet Coke machines allowed in government buildings.

“They say consistency is a virtue,” Trump told reporters, sipping from a golden Big Gulp cup labeled Presidential Seal – Official Beverage of the MAGA Regime. “But I think, folks, I think it’s much smarter to keep them guessing. Keep ‘em on their toes. Biden? Too sleepy. Me? I’m like a rollercoaster—you never know when I’ll pull the lever!”

The White House, now operating like a reality TV show without any editors, scrambled to explain the chaos. Press Secretary Kevin Sorbo (yes, that Kevin Sorbo) blamed “deep state confusion” and a “lack of faith in Our Lord,” then pivoted to promoting his new movie God’s Not Woke 4: The Reckoning.

Faced with this level of absurdity, Hollywood has thrown in the towel. “There’s no point anymore,” said Netflix CEO Tim Harwood. “How do we top a billionaire defunding his own satellites mid-war? A sitting U.S. President issuing executive orders like he’s changing dinner reservations? We tried satire. But now satire is reality.”

With that, production on all scripted entertainment ceased, leaving Americans to rely solely on real-world news for their drama fix.

Coming up next: Florida man declares independence, renames state ‘Trumplandia,’ and bans vowels.