New Poll Shows Trump Has Less Than 1% Approval Rating
According to a new poll taken at my house this morning, less than 1% of the residents support Trump’s actions and policies. The survey sample included a diverse array of respondents, ranging from me to my coffee mug, my slightly disgruntled cat, and the dead ficus in the corner. Astonishingly, Trump failed to secure even a single vote. Democracy at its finest.
This shocking revelation places Trump’s approval rating somewhere between the public perception of bedbugs and that guy who chews with his mouth open at the diner. Yet, despite these record lows, political analysts predict that he will still claim landslide victories in his upcoming speeches, citing “many people” who say he’s never been more popular. Those “many people” are, of course, the same folks who declared him Time’s Person of the Year in a magazine only found on Truth Social.
Trump’s response to the poll was swift, angry, and, as expected, not based in anything resembling reality. Posting to his social media platform, he decried my house as “totally rigged,” accused my coffee mug of being a Deep State operative, and insisted that my cat is “too woke” to be taken seriously. He also demanded a full recount, though the ficus remained silent—likely due to the fact that it’s been dead since 2018.
Meanwhile, MAGA loyalists have already begun pushing alternative narratives. One particularly inventive claim suggests my polling methods were biased because I failed to include a statistically significant sample of MyPillow executives or conspiracy bloggers living in their mom’s basement. Another faction insists that, since I once owned a copy of The Art of the Deal (which, for the record, was a gag gift), my entire household should technically count as a pro-Trump voting bloc.
In response, House Republicans have announced an emergency investigation into what they’re calling “Krotchettgate.” They claim my cat is part of a globalist scheme, my ficus was secretly a ballot dropbox, and my coffee mug has ties to the Clintons. Mike Johnson has already subpoenaed the mug, but it, like most rational witnesses, has declined to appear.
