Letters of the Week No. 3
Dear Krotchett,
I’m a barista in Tennessee, and my boss just made me rewatch a corporate training video on how unions are bad for my “personal growth.” They also subtly reminded us that “we’re a family” and that families don’t need contracts. Should I be grateful for my non-negotiable minimum wage or find a new family?
—Steamed Over Wages
Krotchett’s Response:
Ah yes, the classic “we’re a family” speech—right up there with “it’s not you, it’s me” in terms of manipulative nonsense. See, when a company calls you “family,” what they mean is, “we expect you to endure dysfunction, unpaid emotional labor, and possibly some light verbal abuse without ever asking for a raise.” Tennessee is a right-to-work state, which, in corporate speak, means right to fire you for sneezing too loudly near a latte machine. Starbucks, Amazon, and a few other warm, fuzzy megacorporations have been aggressively union-busting lately, trotting out their “concern” for your well-being while somehow not being concerned enough to offer basic job security. So no, you shouldn’t be grateful for your boss’s low-budget propaganda. You should be looking up the National Labor Relations Board’s website on your break. Assuming, of course, they still let you have one.
Dear Krotchett,
I’m planning a trip to Florida to visit family, but between book bans, the “Don’t Say Gay” law, and alligators showing up in people’s bathrooms, I’m wondering: is it still a state or has it fully transitioned into a Mad Max sequel?
—Confused in Connecticut
Krotchett’s Response:
Florida is less a state and more a choose-your-own-dystopia experience. You can get sunburned at Disney while pretending Governor Ron DeSantis didn’t turn the place into a political WWE ring, or you can risk getting tackled by a school librarian for trying to check out The Handmaid’s Tale.
Yes, Florida has managed to combine extreme humidity, absurd wildlife, and government censorship into one steaming bowl of political gumbo. But to be fair, at least it’s never boring. Besides, I heard that Denmark just bought Florida for 60 billion.
Dear Krotchett,
Can you explain why Hollywood keeps pumping out reboots no one asked for? I just saw they’re remaking The Office. Do we really need another version of a show that was already a remake of a better British version?
—Streaming and Screaming
Krotchett’s Response:
Hollywood operates on a very simple principle: if it made money once, it can make money again—with half the budget and none of the originality. Reboots are the cinematic equivalent of reheated leftovers: never as good as the original, but somehow still forced on you when there’s nothing else to watch.
Dear Krotchett,
Why is it cheaper to fly to another country for surgery than to get it done in the U.S.?
—Bleeding Money
Krotchett’s Response:
Because in America, healthcare isn’t about health—it’s about making sure your insurance company CEO can afford his fourth yacht. We don’t have a healthcare system, we have a wealth-extraction scheme disguised as a hospital network.
People are getting hip replacements in Spain and root canals in Mexico for a fraction of what it costs here. And heaven help you if you need an ambulance—better to just Uber to the ER unless you want a bill large enough to be its own national debt crisis.
Dear Krotchett,
Why does Texas keep having power grid failures every winter?
—Frozen in Fort Worth
Krotchett’s Response:
Because Texas wants freedom from federal oversight but not from rolling blackouts. The state decided long ago that it would rather have an independent power grid than a functional one.
Rather than winterizing their systems, Texas lawmakers put their faith in thoughts and prayers. Meanwhile, citizens are left playing a thrilling game of “Will My Pipes Burst Before the Heat Comes Back?”
Dear Krotchett,
Why are billionaires obsessed with going to space?
—Grounded and Confused
Krotchett’s Response:
Because Earth has taxes.
