Elon Musk Reinvents Government Jobs: Weekly Survival Reports Now Required
Elon Musk, now czar of the Department of Grandstanding and Evasion (DOGE), has introduced a thrilling new workplace policy: federal employees must submit a weekly list of accomplishments or be automagically fired.
Yes, grown professionals are now assigned mandatory homework, as if government agencies are middle school classrooms. The best part? There seems to be zero verification—meaning employees can scribble down anything, from “solved world hunger” to “reinvented the paperclip,” and it all counts, which make you kinda wonder what the point is other than humiliation.
Some agencies, like the FBI, are telling employees to “pause” before responding—perhaps to marvel at the absurdity. Meanwhile, unions are preparing lawsuits, as if due process has ever been a match for Musk’s efficiency crusade.
But Musk, ever the visionary, is undeterred. After all, who needs due process when you have efficiency?
