A Space Traveler’s Guide to Earth

Krotchett –  After spending a number of years on Earth, speaking with the natives, tasting their cuisine and pretty much just snooping around, I’ve decided the best thing I could do is write a review of the place while the experiences are still fairly fresh in my mind.

Where to eat
Earthlings pride themselves on the foods they prepare which are made almost exclusively from plants from the ground and other animals in their shared habitat.  While a small but growing group of people have decided that eating other animals is to be frowned upon, the fact is, a non-native visitor to Earth, would find the eating of any living thing abhorrent. There have been, however, some attempts by far-sighted corporations like Kraft Foods (Velveeta) and Hormel  (Spam) to create purely synthetic food, but that has been met with stiff resistance by both meat-eaters and vegans alike.  If you must eat the local cuisine I would have to recommend the fare served by restaurants in Tuscany and San Francisco; avoid England, Estonia and most of Australia at all costs.

Accommodations
It’s lucky for us celestial travelers that we don’t require much sleep, none could be had at any hotel I’ve found on Earth.  Most were located next to the busiest highway in the community and constructed of paper thin walls where the escapades and conversations of your fellow travelers will keep you engaged most of the night. If you are unable to hear any of these shenanigans it’s only because the air conditioner /wall-heater is broken in the ‘always on’ position; so whether your room is exceedingly cold or tremendously hot, it will always be incredibly loud.

While prices for accommodations vary from place to place, and customer service may be spotty, you can always count on the complimentary breakfast.  The hotel breakfast is the only food  I’ve found on Earth that is consistently created from the finest synthetic material money can buy, regardless of what the menu might indicate. And while the sheet thread count at the Marriot hotel chain may be almost as high as that of the Ritz Glidestone on Regil Seven, It’s still like the only hotel chain on the planet that charges for Internet access.  So my advice on Earth lodging:  pack a tent.

Sight-Seeing
There is much to see and do on Earth but don’t get bogged down by the usual tourist traps. Most intergalactic visitors won’t be impressed by StoneHenge; a small cluster of vertically placed rocks in a small field. You might not be impressed with  Mt. Rushmore or the Ancient Pyramids of Egypt, nor the Great Wall of China.  Inhabitants of Earth are not familiar with the Antares Canyon Time Tunnel or the Epsilon Omega Pool of Eternal life on Quora 453.  As a polite guest on Earth, it might be a good idea for the visitor to show patience and courtesy, while small and diminutive, these efforts of human engineering are about as much as they can muster.

Do make a point of stopping by Jimmy Norfield’s collection of early American razor blades and Maurice Quinland’s collection of artificial rabbit’s feet.  In the north central part of the United States, adventurers will delight in the famous mercantile of Wall Drug, in Wall North Dakota, home of the now extinct Jackalope, an early Earth tribe that once dominated the South Bronx in New York State.

Climate
Until relatively recently weather changes on Earth were slight and gradual, allowing the carefree traveler to plan their earthly visit. This is no longer the case.  Snowfall now comes to deserts. Droughts regularly linger near the edge of oceans. Tornadoes can pop up any time of year in the United States and Canada, while tsunamis and earthquakes available in the rest of the world, can get your luggage lost or destroyed faster than American Airlines.

So what’s a traveler to do? You might start with a casual t-shirt or tank-top, but it’s advised to pack a goose-down parka, long underwear and some heavy rain gear. Consider having on hand, a seven-day supply of food and water, as well as a half dozen signaling flares, a first aid kit, a serviceable gas mask, and a short-wave radio – since cell phone service will be of no use if you find yourself stuck in a typical Earth weather event.  Check the weather and air quality for potential breathing hazards and check the tide tables near large bodies of water so you’ll be able to calculate a potential escape route if a tsunami breaches the beach. An asbestos blanket and scarf soaked in urine will be of great use if caught in a firestorm. Remember to have fun!

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